


Hubert and Friends

by SasukeUzumaki



Series: The Marriage: Naruto and Sasuke's Strange Relationship (Discontinued) [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: :), Have Fun!, I'm Baaaaaaack, M/M, with more bull sh-t
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-21 00:53:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14905403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SasukeUzumaki/pseuds/SasukeUzumaki
Summary: Naruto decides that the best way to get Sasuke to stop bringing random snakes into the house is to buy him one. Unfortunately, King Hubert apparently needs a friend, a boyfriend, a girlfriend in case he's bi, pan, or in a polyamorous relationship. The beginning of the continuation of the Incidents.





	Hubert and Friends

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I got my first negative review on The Incidents on ff.net and boy, they thought this was a serious series. Their criticism would've been better on a serious series, but uh... they decided to put it on that one, for some reason. Oh, well, can't please them all????
> 
> Hope you enjoy enough lol...

“Hey, where’s your Mrs.?” Sakura pops up in Naruto’s doorway.

“Hm?” Naruto looks up from his desk.

“Sasuke. Where has he been?”

“Oh, uh…” Naruto purses his lips slightly, “he’s on maternity leave.”

“M-maternity leave?” Sakura repeats.

“Yup.”

“You have a kid?”

“Of sorts.” Naruto frowns at the papers on his desk.

“What do you mean of sorts?”

“Hubert.”

“Is that supposed to make sense?” Sakura enters the classroom.

“Hubert, our snake.” Naruto says calmly.

Sakura stares at Naruto.

“He’s on maternity leave. For a snake.”

“Yup.”

“How did you manage that?” Sakura places a hand on the corner of his desk.

“Honestly, they’ll do anything to shut him up at this point.” Naruto looks up at Sakura, “Wouldn’t you?”

“Well, that’s just strange, though! Why do you even have a snake, anyways?”

“He keeps bringing damned snakes into the house so I decided to get him one. We know what this one is and she’s not poisonous so…” Naruto shrugs.

“Venomous.”

“Hm?”

“The word you are looking for is venomous.”

Naruto shakes his head.

“Whatever. She’s not _venomous.”_ Naruto corrects himself.

“Her name is Hubert?”

“Sasuke refuses to believe the snake is a female.”

“Let Sasuke call it a male, then. It is Sasuke’s snake, right?”

“Yup. I let him name her Hubert, too.”

“I would’ve thought Rosemary or something, seeing his obsession with the name.”

“Nope, surprisingly not.”

“When can I meet it, then?” Sakura asks, “It is your child, isn’t it?”

“Oh, he’ll come around, I promise you.”

* * *

Sasuke does, in fact, come around.

He enters Naruto’s room in the middle of his lesson, toting Hubert on his shoulders. He watches Naruto contently as Naruto teaches his class. Oh, love, what a wonderful emotion.

The students whisper back and forth to each other. Sasuke eyes them suspiciously.

“Hey, Sas! What’s up?” Naruto greets Sasuke as he sees him.

“Oh, nothing. Just thought I’d stop by, is all.” Sasuke walks up to Naruto.

“Well, it’s always nice to see you.”

“And Hubert.” Sasuke raises Hubert slightly. “Hubert, too.”

“Yes, Hubert, of course.” Naruto eyes the crown on the snake’s head. “This would be the one time I’d be happy you splurged on something.”

“What?” Sasuke looks at the crown, “No, I made that! Isn’t it cute?”

“That’s very uh… elaborate, Sas, you sure you aren’t going crazy?” Naruto leans down to inspect the crown.

“Bold of you to pretend I wasn’t already crazy, but thank you.” Sasuke gestures toward the snake with his head, “Kissy.”

Naruto tries to hide his eye roll as he gives Hubert a small kiss on his head. Sasuke beams as Naruto stands up straight.

“King Hubert is pleased with your contributions today. You shall be rewarded upon your arrival at home.”

“King Hubert, huh?” Naruto puts his hands on his hips.

“Yup! King Hubert and Queen Bitch!” Sasuke says happily.

“What am I, then?”

“Daddy.”

The class laughs as Naruto sighs.

“Daddy, of course. Why didn’t I see that coming?” Naruto mumbles to himself.

“We just came to say hi, since Hubert wanted to see you.”

“Hubert did? What about you?”

“I can do with a few hours of quiet a day, thank you.”

Naruto looks offended.

“I’m glad our daughter likes me, then.”

“ _Son.”_ Sasuke glares. “Son.”

Naruto sighs. “Son, yes.”

“He told me he’s our son.”

“Of course, dear – wait, is he talking to you?” Naruto asks.

“Occasionally.”

Naruto tries to calm himself. Sasuke says stuff like that a lot, he shouldn’t take it at face value, he assures himself. It’s just… alarming to hear that.

“Alright, how about you and Hubert go on home, then.”

“Kissy. For me.”

Naruto smiles softly.

“Of course.”

Naruto places a soft kiss on Sasuke’s lips. Sasuke smiles.

“Thank you.” Sasuke sings out.

“Your welcome, Sas.”

Sasuke exits the classroom. Naruto sighs.

“Why are you married to that thing again?” A student asks.

“Hey! I love him.” Naruto pouts.

“Does he just randomly visit like that?” Another pipes up.

“We would’ve heard of it if he did.” Someone replies.

“No, he doesn’t usually…” Naruto trails off.

Oh, no.

* * *

Naruto tries to steady his breathing as he stands in front of the door. He hopes his gut feeling is wrong, but it almost never is.

His hands shake as he opens the door. Please, no…

Naruto enters the house. It’s quiet.

“I have funny story to tell you today.”

Naruto groans.

“You see, there was this man selling magic jelly beans. And they were uh… magical. He said they grant wishes! The man had a cloak and a staff so I assumed it was legit, but to be honest, I think the cloak may have been a trash bag and the staff just a really _sick_ stick he found somewhere in a magical forest so I guess in any case it _was_ magical. So I took them and guess what? Dreams come true! He was right! I gave a bean to Hubert, too!”

“This one better not be big, Sasuke.”

There is a few moments of silence.

“He’s not that big.” Naruto can hear the pout in Sasuke’s voice.

“He isn’t, huh?” Naruto approaches their room slowly, “Why is he here?”

“Hubert needs a friend.”

Naruto groans.

“Hubert does _not_ need a friend, _you_ are Hubert’s friend.”

“I’m Hubert’s mother, he needs a _friend_ friend. He wished for one!”

“Where is it, Sasuke?”

“Here.”

Sasuke appears behind Naruto. Naruto jumps back.

“Oh my god, don’t do that, especially when you have an unidentified snake.”

“He’s not unidentified, his name is Rhosemarie, and I love him.”

“We need to put Rhosemarie back outside.” Naruto watches the snake in Sasuke’s hands.

“But he’s a _baby,_ Naruto! We need to _raise_ him!” Sasuke brings it up to his face as he pouts.

“That thing is in no way, shape, or form, a _baby.”_

“He’s our baby, Naruto. We have to take care of him.”

“Where did you even _find_ that thing?” Naruto asks.

“The pet store.”

“The pet – oh, thank god.” Naruto sighs in relief.

“Yup! The pet store. Right in the parking lot.”

“Please, Sasuke, no.”

“They had some on display out there!”

“That’s good, that’s good.”

“And I found this one on the ground.”

“That bad, Sasuke, that’s bad.”

“They said I could keep him!”

“They… they told you that.”

“Yup!”

“Did they really tell you that?”

“ _Yes.”_ Sasuke frowns.

Naruto looks down at the snake. It hasn’t bitten Sasuke yet, so it should be fine… right?

“Did he bite you?”

“No! He’s a good boy.” Sasuke kisses his head.

“Fine, I suppose we can keep Rosemary, then.”

“ _Rhosemarie,_ Naruto.” Sasuke corrects him.

“The difference?”

“The spelling.”

Naruto sighs.

“Of course, dear, of course.”

* * *

“So, how was everything last night?” Sakura asks.

“He brought another one in.”

“A third?” Sakura asks.

“A fourth, actually.”

Sakura tries to fake pity but she’s also trying to hold back a laugh.

“You really didn’t expect this, huh?”

“Hubert needs a friend, a boyfriend, a girlfriend in case he’s bi, pan, or maybe in a polyamorous relationship, I’m afraid of what he thinks Hubert needs next.”

“Are these from the store?”

“I’m 99.9 per cent sure he found a snake dealer somewhere.”

“You think he has a snake dealer?”

“Probably.”

“How many snakes before enough is enough?”

“I’m not sure it’ll ever be enough for him.”

* * *

“Sasuke?” Naruto calls out into the house.

“I have a funny story to tell you!”

Naruto groans loudly.


End file.
